somewheretomorrow's Blog

I do nothing everyday. I am sucked in this self-pity cycle. Wake up, think of Dan-how we met, how much he loved me, etc., cry, take more alcohol and drugs to pass out. Then repeat the cycle over and over again. Kill my mind or/and body. I do not care. I just feel so horrible when I am sober. I cannot take it any more.

I had options to stop all of this from happening, but I made bad decisions. It's all my fault. Look at me now. I have lost everything. I am such a worthless piece of shit who is stuck in my own misery. He is never going to forgive me or love me back. I cannot beg him for his forgiveness and love because I cannot even stand up for myself. I have ruined everything. I have destroyed his faith in me. Saying sorry is not enough.

I do not deserve him. I know that Michelle (his ex girlfriend) could give him a better life. She is a doctor who has stable  and good income. She is caring, smart, kind and attractive. I do not have any of this. How could I compete with her? However, deep down I still wish he could choose me over her. I just cannot bear losing him. Without him my life is meaningless. I have nothing to live for.

Dan has moved out of my apartment. We are on a break!

There is going to be only me on this path. People can not be trusted. At a certain stage, they all have betrayed and left me. Friendship is fragile. They have just stopped caring for and talking to me. I feel despised, abandoned and heartbroken. I am so tired of feeling, loving and caring for someone. I have held so much grudge inside me that I want to take it out on them or just myself. I feel like losing myself again. The only things that keep me from missing him are alcohol and drugs. They kill the pain temporarily that is killing me. I do not know how long it would take, but I just hope that they  they would take me out of my misery soon.

" I am in love with her, but I still love you Sarah." 

I confronted him. It's the worst answer from him. He cannot decide. I hate that he has cheated on me, but I cannot blame him because I somewhat pushed him back to his ex. I was so absorbed with my suicidal tendencies that I shut him out. My recent suicide attempts must have made him powerless and disappointed because I did not think much about his feelings. All I did was trying to leave him by killing myself. He had nobody but her to turn to. I knew that his ex was still into him after they broke up and he was dating me, so it's easy for them to rebuild the relationship. 

I am not sure what to say or do next. I just feel like losing everything I care about-my family, career, friends, my mind, and now him! It hurts. And I would just leave NY without saying Goodbye to him tomorrow. 

I just found out my boyfriend has betrayed me. He has been dating his ex since my recent suicide attempt. I have the photos as proof. No wonder he has been so distant and avoiding me. I cannot believe that he's been cheating on me.

I am feeling so angry with myself now because it is all my fault. I should not have used his car to attempt suicide. Why didn't I just die?? And then I would not have to suffer all of this. Does he hate me so much that he just wants to inflict more psychological pain on me? I cannot think straight right now. My head is pounding. I find it hard to breathe due to this chest pain. It is too much for me to cope. I really want to DIE now. I want to hurt myself very badly and die!!!!

Since the truth was exposed, I have had conflicting feelings for my adoptive parents. Yes, I still love them, but I also hate them so much for their lies and cannot trust them any more.

They hid the secret that they adopted me when I was a baby. If my birth mother did not turn up at my front door, I would have never known the truth. When I confronted them about it, they denied that they had my birth mother's contact information. It was a LIE! I found out from my birth mother that they knew her and that she had contacted them for a few times in the past 20 years. In the end, they admitted that they had been hiding the truth, but they explained that they were afraid of depressing me more because I had been in bad shape. Yeah, it might push me further over the edge, but I might have a better chance to make my birth father love me. I don't see why a father would hate his own child so much if we could meet up and get to know each other at an earlier stage. Things in my life may have been changed in a good way. I hate them for leaving me no choice.

Now it is too late to do anything about it. Although he made that clear-he did not want me there in his new life, I still crave his love. There is a big hole inside me that I cannot fill with anything.

Things are getting worse. All I can say is that I HATE this life so much, but I have nowhere else to let out my anger and frustration. It is KILLING ME!!!!

A while ago I tried to kill myself by crashing my boyfriend Dan's car into a tree. At that time, I was "abandoned" by my birth father once again. And I got in fights with both of my birth mother and adoptive parents. My depression and PTSD were not getting any better with the new meds. That night, I was with Dan at his boss' birthday party. I do not recall how many drinks I had, but I ended up being drunk. The last things I remember were feeling suicidal and got in his car.  It was not well planned in advance, but I did hope that I would die.

I got a broken arm and leg, but I had been admitted to a psychiatric hospital for weeks. The experience in there was a completely nightmare for me. Now I have been required to do community service by the court in a community house for the disabled. Honestly, I hate my roles (supporting them and keeping the place clean) in there. I feel pointless because they are just as worthless as I am. I am mentally disabled while they are physically or intellectually disabled. We all are nothing but burdens on the society and our families. Besides, I hate seeing them because they remind me of how worthless I am.

I cannot talk about my feelings to anyone in my family now. After my suicide attempt, everyone looks angry and so distant. Dan has not talked much to me. He's always busy with his job. I feel like he has been using his work as an excuse for not wanting to be with me. I can understand that, though. And I haven't really felt close to my adoptive parents since I found out that I was adopted and they had hidden the secret till my birth mother turned up at my front door. 

I do not know why I am so fucked up. I can not see why I have put up with all this shit. I have never wanted to live like this, but the invisible forces have made my life a living hell. I am trapped in this purgatory-not able to escape or die.

I had a nervous break down and tried to kill myself on my birthday last month. My adoptive parents were desperate and said that they would not forgive themselves if I died. They asked me if I was trying to punish them. I truely wanted to die. And yes, I also was so mad at them that I wanted to let them pay for being selfish and hiding the secrets about adopting me and my birth parents. I also wanted my birth parents to realize that their decision on abandoning me had ruined me. It was not me but them who killed me. I chose to die on my birthday because I wanted them to know how much hurt they had caused to me and that I did not celebrate my birth since I was worthless. They made me, but they did not want me. In their eyes, I was just a piece of trash. They would most probably not shed a single tear for me, but they would know that they had my blood on their hands. This was a reason why I chose to slit my wrists. Another reason was that I did not want their blood in me because I hated the fact that we were related. I couldn't live with it. I still cannot.

My birth mom wanted to visit me while I was in the hospital and psych ward, I refused to see her. The last time she called me, she said that she had told my birth Dad about my suicide attempt and that he was upset. I told her that I would make their wish come true and see them in the hell. A few calls and words are not going to make me forgive them for what they have done to me. I am not going to give them this chance. They would have to live with guilt the rest of their lives.

I have already been discharged, but I have been on suicide watch 24/7 at home. My family takes turns to watch over me. I am required to see my therapist twice a week. The anger and grudge are not yet gone, but suicide is always on mind. I have just become so obsessive with it.

I found myself wandering back to my birth father's house early this morning. I did not remember how I got there. The last thing I remember was lying in bed in my Motel room and thinking about him.

I saw him kissing his wife and kids goodbye. I felt the urge to knock at the door and tell them what he had done to me. To just let them know what he really is. A MONSTER! He's ruined me, so he deserves to be ruined.

I rang the bell. His wife opened the door and asked who I was. I said that I was his old friend's daughter from his hometown in N.Y. and paying a visit. She said that he was at work, but she let me in... We chatted a bit and then she showed me some of her family pictures. She and her kids looked really happy with my father. He looked so happy, too. He never looked that happy with my birth Mum in their pictures. She kept talking about how wonderful he was as a husband and father. I just stayed silent and wanted to cry. How could he treat Mum and me so differently? I wanted to tell her who I really was, but then I hesitated and left without telling her the truth...

He and Mum have broken my heart, but I am going to send them Christmas cards saying Goodbye on my birthday. I will be out of their lives.

 

I am so convinced that I am cursed. Everything that has happened to me proves it. I can see how this life would end...

I just wanted my birth father to say that he had never forgotten about me and that he loved/missed me so much that he tried to find me. However, he required me to stay away from him and his family. He even couldn't remember me while I told him my name and who I was.

Daddy, I am your fucking daughter. How could you forget about me and then order me to stay away? You wish I never existed. Isn't it what you really want? It's because I would be a threat to you and your perfect family. I am a shame to you, right? What would your wife and kids think if I told them the truth then? You kept saying how important they meant to you, but what about me? Deep down you just don't consider me as your family, right? You abandoned me and ran away while I was born, so I mean nothing to you. I am always the one that can be sacrificed. I am expendable and replaceable. You don't know what I have gone through, but you don't seem to care. Everything you care is your image and little perfect world. I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!... You and Mum!!! You two have RUINED me.

My birthday is the 19th of this month. I bet you even don't remember this. Would you and Mum party if I killed myself on my birthday?

I finally found him, my biological father. In the past week, I have been stalking him and his family. It seems that he has got a happy family-a beautiful wife and 2 lovely kids. He must love them very much. He seems like a decent guy who has a good job and goes to church with his family on Sundays...

Why did he abandon me after I was born? Has he ever regreted or tried to look for me? Does he even know if I exist? Does he care? Do I ever mean anything to him??

I will need to talk to him. Tell him who I am and why I am here. I will need to find out the truth. I want to know if I ever matter to him. No matter how ugly and cruel the truth would be, I am ready to find it out. All I need now is to muster up my courage to confront him. There is no escaping at this stage. Just DO IT!!!!

Dear parents,

Thank you all for humiliating me and making my life so miserable! All my memories have been built up on all those lies for the past 20 years. I always wondered why I was so "different" from everyone else in my so-called family. Deep down I never felt like I was actually included and a part of it. Now I understand why I am this unique. I am ADOPTED!! It shocked me while a stranger knocked at my door and then told me who she was. My biological mother! I couldn't believe every word she said, but the evidence she showed has proved everything.

I hate you all! You should have let me know this as early as possible. You should have stopped lying to me. Now you have ruined everything and me. I don't need anyone now because I hate everyone. Don't ever talk to me. Don't ever beg for my forgiveness because I won't forgive you. Don't tell me that you just wanted to protect or love me. This was such a selfish act because you never asked what I wanted. Then how did you know what was the best for me? Yes, as I told you, I would rather die than being cheated and overprotected. Mother, why would you want me now? Don't you think that it is too late for me to forgive you for dumping me like a piece of trash and to love you back? Now you want to cleanse your sins and be a good mother. No ways! I am not going to give you this chance because you deserve to rot in the hell so that you would know how I felt.

I am going to do whatever I would need to do. I am going to make you all pay for what you have done. This won't end well. You will know what I mean soon.

Sara

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hi, Sara.

I have not talked to you in a while because I thougt that I could rely on some people I trusted, but you know what. You were so RIGHT. I admit now that I was WRONG. I should have listened to you. Now that I believe that people have just talked behind me, fought against me and tried to ruin me, there is no point of pretending and being nice and considerate. They don't feel grateful for what I have done for them. They don't know what I try to prove. You said that I should shut them out and that being selfish was not a bad thing to do. Now I agree with you. Therefore, from now on, I have decided to be a BAD girl and make them suffer before I die.

Sincerely yours,

Sarah

 

 

 

 

 

I feel like falling and slipping away again. Is it that bad? I am not sure because a part of me wants to give up. She wants to see me reach the bottom of the abyss and then die. I am so tired of fighting her, so I don't argue any more. I don't care.

I feel like here is the only place where I can be honest with my feelings. I used to write/keep my journal, but I am so afraid that people would find and read it. Therefore, I have burned it. I had to destroy it as I did to my other belongings. Every single one represented a secret that I would never ever want anyone else to know. They signified my past that I would want to forget about. They reminded me of all the sins and hurt I had committed and caused. Anger, sadness, regret, guilt... I would never make it go away and move on if I kept them, but I feel like a part of me is gone with them. I guess it is a good start?! 

Here she goes again, "Grab the kitchen knife. Plunch it deep into the heart. Then it will be all over...." She is my other self. I name her Sara. She's been talking to me a lot lately. I know what she really wants-taking my life. And I know who she really is-the guilt, the virus, the death angel, but she is in me. She is ME! I am HER! This is the way I am. Admit it. Face it. I cannot just seperate me from her and blame her for my suicidal ideation. I am self-destructive. I am a sicko. I am the one who abuses me and wants me dead... Denying it is not going to make me feel normal, but admitting it is not going to help me recover, either.

It's always like this. I feel like a doll that has been played with. I wish I was a doll, a piece of wood or something dead because I would not feel this sadness and searing pain. I would not need to take any responsibility if I just wanted to fade away and completely vanish as if I never existed. I just want to be gone. Living is impossible to me. Everyday I go through the same struggle, but I do not really see the purpose of this suffering. It always comes back. ALWAYS!!! There is no way to escape. There is no way to recover, either. I am just trapped in this living hell. I cannot really move forward because I am always kicked back in the hole. I wish my brain was a machine so that it could be opened and fixed or just killed off. I wish I was an animal because I would get a merciful bullet or  injection to put me out of my misery just as my dog did. She had cancer and went through a chemo. Then my parents decided to ask the doctor to end her suffering. Why don't they do the same to me? Loving a person does not necessarily mean that you have to keep her in your life forever even when she is suffering from living. Setting her free is a better way to love her. 

My therapist asked me if there was a place where I felt safe. I used to feel warm and peaceful when I was at my grandparents' cabin by the lake. I spent a lot of my childhood in there. The best times in my entire life! Now that my grandparents are gone and memories have started fading away and being replace by the bad ones, there is no place where I can feel completely safe. When I fight the other self and feel lost, there is no Land of Peace I could imagine in my mind. The darkness is everywhere. The visions, fears, whispers, racing thoughts, cravings for self-destruction put me in constant inner fights-die with guilt for the loves one I would leave behind or live with the unbearable pain?

I need to find my Safety Zone. I need my Land of Peace where the demon cannot find me or intrude. I need to escape and be saved.

Cut, cut, cut... I have relapsed in self-harm due to this extreme numbness I have felt in the past three weeks. Although the meds can stabilize my horrendous mood swings to some extent, the numbness they cause makes me feel so dead inside. In the past, I cut/burned myself to numb the emotional pain while I was depressed. Now I cut to feel alive although I do not feel depressed. Am I just looking for excuses for going back to my old "habit"? Am I getting better or worse?

Currently I do not study or work. I have dropped out of the uni and quit the job. What do I do everyday? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING good!!! Just stay at home and do my stuff, which means drawing and writing poems. The themes are pretty dark. My parents asked me if I wanted to go back to the uni or get a job. I told them that I was not ready yet. They  said that it was up for me although they hoped that I would choose to complete my studies. 

Since I was discharged from the psych ward, everyone has been too "gentle" to me as if I am damaged goods. Maybe I really am. Yeah, I feel vulnerable. I almost died. Even though I was in there, I thought about a way to exit this life. It had to be done. Now I still feel that way. They all know about my suicidal ideation, so they have tried to give me more support rather than judge and upset me. I don't want them to behave like that. I just want them to be the way they used to be, but I know that nothing would be the same. I feel like a bad influence on everyone.

I am not sure what I want from my life now. No goals or motivation to do anything. I just want to be gone. 

I was just discharched from a psych ward yesterday because of my nervous breakdown and suicidal ideation. Now I am feeling this etreme numbness and don't feel like I am being alive. I am not sure if it is because I am too depressed or it is just the effects of my anti-depressants. Anyways, I still can not cherish my own existence, but I have some control over my suicidal urges. All I want to do now is to lie down in a boat and flow away...