I feel like hitting the bottom again. No treatment works for me. I am so screwed up and done.
People, if you want to mock me, go ahead! I know I am a big loser. My life is over.
After I die, you can spit on my grave!!!
Sarah, you deserve it!!!
I am in a depressive and suicidal mode, which means I am being reckless again. I am back on drugs, alcohol and cutting. I do not give a fuck about what would happen to me. I have visions of overdosing on my medications with Vodka and slitting my wrists in a bath tub. The thoughts of suicide and death make me feel so relieved.
I am soooo sick of trying to justify my own existence. I do not care what people say or want any more...
I do not know where I can start. There was so much pain.
Now everyone knows that I had an affair with a married man whose wife recently died of cancer. I still feel ashamed of myself.
I was a horrible person who was too weak and miserable to resist the temptation. When I realized that I had made a huge mistake, I still did nothing and let him sexually abuse me. At that time I broke up with my ex-boyfriend because he had cheated on me. Then that man came along and gave me comfort. We were good friends. I couldn't believe that I became a liar like my ex. When I felt guilty and regretful, I wanted to confess to his wife while she was already in hospital. However, I was such a coward. When I finally had courage to tell her the truth, she died.
The feeling of losing the inner me put me in the deepest depression. I could barely survive it. I had to rely on drugs and alcohol to numb myself. The reality was just unbearable. After attending the rehabilitation programme, I am better now. The pain would never go away, but I need to stay sober and face it.
My life has not been great. I was betrayed by my ex-boyfriend because he had an affair. I found out that I was adopted, but my adoptive parents had been hiding this secret behind me although they believed that it was good for me. I failed two suicide attempts recently. The last attempt was a totally disaster which almost put me behind bars because of my drunk driving and crashing my ex-boyfriend's car. I got my driver licence suspended and community services because it happened under the influence of my mental disorders. At that time I wished I was just dead. Afterwards I almost got my wish because I was almost killed in a car accident when my friend was driving me home. Unfortunately, I was alive but I got fractured pelvic bones and had to stay in bed and wheelchair for about 2 months. The pain made me very depressed and suicidal. I almost attempted suicide again, but I managed to put myself together...
Fast forward to now. I have got a new friend who is caring and supportive. Yesterday I was too stressed out about something and talked to him about it. He came up with some ideas to help me out, but then there were some potential risks that freaked me out. I texted him twice to talk about my fears and question him. I was expecting him to text me back all day long, but he did not reply. Just now I received his email saying that I had trust issues and that apparently I did not trust him. He felt sad about it. I immediately replied that I did not mean that. This really saddens me because he is my only friend in real life at this stage, but I hurt his feelings because of my own problems. I really feel so upset and guilty that I just want to cut myself open with my razor blade and bleed to death. I deserve it. The only thing that I am good at is hurting people. When they give a damn about me, I push them away. I am such an idiot!! Why have I kept doing this? I do not deserve anyone or anything good. I should rot in hell!!
Anger and sadness consume me
No peace in my mind and heart
One more kiss of the blade
Just to erase the pain inside me
I swear this time is the last
But Cuts after cuts
it is never enough
I thought that I had made it through
But now I have relapsed and lost control
Tears fell down my cheek
I don’t know how I have become so weak
I am deep in a hole
A darkened retreat
In the depths of my soul
My eyes are wept
My breaths are shuttered
I am left here to live
Alive but not free
I have to wear a mask
And pretend that I am okay
I smile and act
Like a puppet on strings
The pain and fear
You cannot see
The nightmare begins where it ends
Look at yourself! What a mess!! No wonder people think that you are such a fuckup. What would you do about it? You still think that you shouldn't be punished?? Don't ever try to make excuses, Sarah. You are not a child any more. FIX IT!!
I wish I could be saved. I hope that I can turn my life around. I have made so many horrible mistakes. The damage cannot be repaired, but I feel so regretful. Would I have a second chance? Do I deserve it? Where is my life heading?? I feel like I have no future. What should I do? Who could I trust? I feel like I am alone all the time. Why are these terrible things happening to me?? Thinking and waiting for the answers. Please show me some signs if you really exist, Jesus!
I thought that I could find something to feel hopeful, but I have realized that there is nothing out there for me. The pain is eternal. It's swallowing and suffocating me. One day, it will kill me.
My life has been a mess since the day Jason died in the car crash. I was supposed to die with him. I have not wanted to continue living without him. Or I do not know how to move on. He was the only one who ever genuinely and unconditionally loved me, but I was the cause of his death. For all these years, I have been mourning over him. My family and ex boyfriends have betrayed me. My friends have walked out on me. If he was still here, I would not have felt all alone and worthless. I wish I could see and hold him again...
Everyone else have become strangers to me lately. I have to struggle with my problems on the daily basis-no sense of security, feelings of being abandoned, trust issues, suicidal ideation and self harm. Even when they are around me, I just feel so distant from them. I do not believe in friendship or love any more. Under some circumstances, people would just betray and walk out on me. Don't say that you care when you do not really feel that way. I'd rather you to be honest with me or just fuck off. I am not giving you any chances to show you FAKE sympathy and make you feel a better person than me.
My mood: very distressed
I do nothing everyday. I am sucked in this self-pity cycle. Wake up, think of Dan-how we met, how much he loved me, etc., cry, take more alcohol and drugs to pass out. Then repeat the cycle over and over again. Kill my mind or/and body. I do not care. I just feel so horrible when I am sober. I cannot take it any more.
I had options to stop all of this from happening, but I made bad decisions. It's all my fault. Look at me now. I have lost everything. I am such a worthless piece of shit who is stuck in my own misery. He is never going to forgive me or love me back. I cannot beg him for his forgiveness and love because I cannot even stand up for myself. I have ruined everything. I have destroyed his faith in me. Saying sorry is not enough.
I do not deserve him. I know that Michelle (his ex girlfriend) could give him a better life. She is a doctor who has stable and good income. She is caring, smart, kind and attractive. I do not have any of this. How could I compete with her? However, deep down I still wish he could choose me over her. I just cannot bear losing him. Without him my life is meaningless. I have nothing to live for.
My mood: extremely distraught
Dan has moved out of my apartment. We are on a break!
There is going to be only me on this path. People can not be trusted. At a certain stage, they all have betrayed and left me. Friendship is fragile. They have just stopped caring for and talking to me. I feel despised, abandoned and heartbroken. I am so tired of feeling, loving and caring for someone. I have held so much grudge inside me that I want to take it out on them or just myself. I feel like losing myself again. The only things that keep me from missing him are alcohol and drugs. They kill the pain temporarily that is killing me. I do not know how long it would take, but I just hope that they they would take me out of my misery soon.
" I am in love with her, but I still love you Sarah."
I confronted him. It's the worst answer from him. He cannot decide. I hate that he has cheated on me, but I cannot blame him because I somewhat pushed him back to his ex. I was so absorbed with my suicidal tendencies that I shut him out. My recent suicide attempts must have made him powerless and disappointed because I did not think much about his feelings. All I did was trying to leave him by killing myself. He had nobody but her to turn to. I knew that his ex was still into him after they broke up and he was dating me, so it's easy for them to rebuild the relationship.
I am not sure what to say or do next. I just feel like losing everything I care about-my family, career, friends, my mind, and now him! It hurts. And I would just leave NY without saying Goodbye to him tomorrow.
My mood: extremely crushed
I just found out my boyfriend has betrayed me. He has been dating his ex since my recent suicide attempt. I have the photos as proof. No wonder he has been so distant and avoiding me. I cannot believe that he's been cheating on me.
I am feeling so angry with myself now because it is all my fault. I should not have used his car to attempt suicide. Why didn't I just die?? And then I would not have to suffer all of this. Does he hate me so much that he just wants to inflict more psychological pain on me? I cannot think straight right now. My head is pounding. I find it hard to breathe due to this chest pain. It is too much for me to cope. I really want to DIE now. I want to hurt myself very badly and die!!!!
My mood: extremely mad and sad
Since the truth was exposed, I have had conflicting feelings for my adoptive parents. Yes, I still love them, but I also hate them so much for their lies and cannot trust them any more.
They hid the secret that they adopted me when I was a baby. If my birth mother did not turn up at my front door, I would have never known the truth. When I confronted them about it, they denied that they had my birth mother's contact information. It was a LIE! I found out from my birth mother that they knew her and that she had contacted them for a few times in the past 20 years. In the end, they admitted that they had been hiding the truth, but they explained that they were afraid of depressing me more because I had been in bad shape. Yeah, it might push me further over the edge, but I might have a better chance to make my birth father love me. I don't see why a father would hate his own child so much if we could meet up and get to know each other at an earlier stage. Things in my life may have been changed in a good way. I hate them for leaving me no choice.
Now it is too late to do anything about it. Although he made that clear-he did not want me there in his new life, I still crave his love. There is a big hole inside me that I cannot fill with anything.
My mood: pretty depressed
Things are getting worse. All I can say is that I HATE this life so much, but I have nowhere else to let out my anger and frustration. It is KILLING ME!!!!
A while ago I tried to kill myself by crashing my boyfriend Dan's car into a tree. At that time, I was "abandoned" by my birth father once again. And I got in fights with both of my birth mother and adoptive parents. My depression and PTSD were not getting any better with the new meds. That night, I was with Dan at his boss' birthday party. I do not recall how many drinks I had, but I ended up being drunk. The last things I remember were feeling suicidal and got in his car. It was not well planned in advance, but I did hope that I would die.
I got a broken arm and leg, but I had been admitted to a psychiatric hospital for weeks. The experience in there was a completely nightmare for me. Now I have been required to do community service by the court in a community house for the disabled. Honestly, I hate my roles (supporting them and keeping the place clean) in there. I feel pointless because they are just as worthless as I am. I am mentally disabled while they are physically or intellectually disabled. We all are nothing but burdens on the society and our families. Besides, I hate seeing them because they remind me of how worthless I am.
I cannot talk about my feelings to anyone in my family now. After my suicide attempt, everyone looks angry and so distant. Dan has not talked much to me. He's always busy with his job. I feel like he has been using his work as an excuse for not wanting to be with me. I can understand that, though. And I haven't really felt close to my adoptive parents since I found out that I was adopted and they had hidden the secret till my birth mother turned up at my front door.
I do not know why I am so fucked up. I can not see why I have put up with all this shit. I have never wanted to live like this, but the invisible forces have made my life a living hell. I am trapped in this purgatory-not able to escape or die.
My mood: very grumpy
I had a nervous break down and tried to kill myself on my birthday last month. My adoptive parents were desperate and said that they would not forgive themselves if I died. They asked me if I was trying to punish them. I truely wanted to die. And yes, I also was so mad at them that I wanted to let them pay for being selfish and hiding the secrets about adopting me and my birth parents. I also wanted my birth parents to realize that their decision on abandoning me had ruined me. It was not me but them who killed me. I chose to die on my birthday because I wanted them to know how much hurt they had caused to me and that I did not celebrate my birth since I was worthless. They made me, but they did not want me. In their eyes, I was just a piece of trash. They would most probably not shed a single tear for me, but they would know that they had my blood on their hands. This was a reason why I chose to slit my wrists. Another reason was that I did not want their blood in me because I hated the fact that we were related. I couldn't live with it. I still cannot.
My mood: extremely depressed
I found myself wandering back to my birth father's house early this morning. I did not remember how I got there. The last thing I remember was lying in bed in my Motel room and thinking about him.
I saw him kissing his wife and kids goodbye. I felt the urge to knock at the door and tell them what he had done to me. To just let them know what he really is. A MONSTER! He's ruined me, so he deserves to be ruined.
I rang the bell. His wife opened the door and asked who I was. I said that I was his old friend's daughter from his hometown in N.Y. and paying a visit. She said that he was at work, but she let me in... We chatted a bit and then she showed me some of her family pictures. She and her kids looked really happy with my father. He looked so happy, too. He never looked that happy with my birth Mum in their pictures. She kept talking about how wonderful he was as a husband and father. I just stayed silent and wanted to cry. How could he treat Mum and me so differently? I wanted to tell her who I really was, but then I hesitated and left without telling her the truth...
He and Mum have broken my heart, but I am going to send them Christmas cards saying Goodbye on my birthday. I will be out of their lives.
My mood: extremely crushed and suicidal
Previous PostsFalling, posted September 3rd, 2014
Red Anger, posted August 17th, 2014
HATE, posted August 17th, 2014
Blue, posted August 13th, 2014
Rough Days in My Life, posted November 11th, 2013
Relapse, posted September 23rd, 2013
Trapped, posted September 13th, 2013
You are such a DISAPPOINTMENT!!!, posted September 8th, 2013, 2 comments
Why me??, posted September 8th, 2013
Hope?, posted July 19th, 2013
Love you forever..., posted June 23rd, 2013, 2 comments
Strangers, posted June 12th, 2013
Grieving, posted May 12th, 2013
I wish I could forget you!, posted May 11th, 2013
Losing Him, posted April 30th, 2013
Everything is so FAKE!!, posted April 23rd, 2013
Ambivalence, posted April 14th, 2013
TRIGGERS!!!, posted April 4th, 2013
The State of Mind, posted January 13th, 2013, 1 comment
The Closure, posted December 17th, 2012, 2 comments
Torn Apart, posted December 17th, 2012, 2 comments
Obsessively Yours, posted December 9th, 2012, 2 comments
To Liars, posted November 18th, 2012, 1 comment
Confession, posted November 7th, 2012
Falling..., posted October 20th, 2012
Burying Secrets, posted October 20th, 2012
Sweet Talk, posted September 18th, 2012, 2 comments
One Step Foward, Two Steps Back., posted August 7th, 2012
Safety Zone, posted August 4th, 2012
Madness, posted July 23rd, 2012, 1 comment
It is never going to be the same., posted June 18th, 2012, 2 comments
The Color of the Sky, posted April 24th, 2012, 2 comments
Hopelessness, posted March 10th, 2012, 4 comments
Darkness, posted November 18th, 2011, 2 comments
Paris, here I am again!, posted July 22nd, 2011, 1 comment
Silence, posted June 2nd, 2011, 1 comment
It seems so hard to let it go., posted April 24th, 2011
One Simple Hole, posted April 16th, 2011, 4 comments
How are you?, posted April 11th, 2011
Leave me alone!, posted April 11th, 2011, 1 comment
Please shut up!, posted April 8th, 2011, 7 comments
Are lies always bad?, posted April 1st, 2011
Thoughts, posted March 31st, 2011, 1 comment
Toxication, posted March 28th, 2011, 1 comment
I AM SORRY..., posted March 25th, 2011, 6 comments
It hurts so much..., posted March 24th, 2011, 2 comments
Yes and No, posted March 18th, 2011, 3 comments
WHY..., posted March 14th, 2011, 4 comments
What ifs, posted March 2nd, 2011, 4 comments
The Same Old Me, posted February 19th, 2011, 2 comments
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