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somewheretomorrow's Blog


STOP IT!!!

Enough! I want you to stop judging me and taking your anger out on me. Stop pushing me because I am already at the edge. I want you to shut up if the next thing you are going to say is to criticize me. Who gives you the right to do this to another human?? Show your respect! If you do not understand what I have been through, leave me alone. 

Rejection

I have kept losing people. They either died, betrayed or just walked out on me.

My best friend was killed in a car accident. He had time to get out of the car, but he stayed and saved me. He ended up dead because of me. My life has not been good ever since. Two of my ex boyfriends cheated on me because I was depressed and inadequate. I could not satisfy their needs. My friends abandoned me because I was crazy and a burden. Earlier I found out that I was actually adopted. My birth parents did not want me in the first place. I was just an accident. Well, my birth mother said that she was a teenager at the time when she was pregnant with me. She was scared and did not know what to do. My birth father ran away and never wanted to have anything to do with me. My foster parents lied to me about it because they did not want to make me sad. I have forgiven them. I hated cheaters and believed that I would never become one, but in the end I turned myself into one. I hated myself for it. The situation was completely out of control. I ended up having a nervous break down and addictions, so I had to go through treatment...

I do not know why I had to go through all those traumas. It just hurts a lot. I am not able to make a good connection with people and maintain a relationship any more. I am too damaged and do not think that I would ever have faith and trust in people. Things are getting harder as I grow older. I find no joys in life and just want to hide myself and slip away. 

I am tired of rejection and hurt. I do not how to make it stop. If you are reading this post, please do not judge me. I have already had too much in my plate. 

Edge

I have been very low on energy level. I can hardly bring myself to do anything now. Getting out of bed, having a shower and eating have become problems. I do not feel the need to do anything. If my family could just leave me alone or let me move out, I would thank them. I just want to do it without anyone noticing and saving me. I do not want to traumatize them, but I cannot find strengths to carry on like this. 

I have not connected with people for quite a while. I just feel like shutting down and want it all to be over now. So it would be fine if you deleted me from your friends circle because we do not talk any more. It would be a better way for you to forget about me. 

I am so sorry!

Falling

I feel like hitting the bottom again. No treatment works for me. I am so screwed up and done. 

People, if you want to mock me, go ahead! I know I am a big loser. My life is over. 

After I die, you can spit on my grave!!!

Sarah, you deserve it!!!
 

Red Anger

I am in a depressive and suicidal mode, which means I am being reckless again. I am back on drugs, alcohol and cutting. I do not give a fuck about what would happen to me. I have visions of overdosing on my medications with Vodka and slitting my wrists in a bath tub. The thoughts of suicide and death make me feel so relieved.

HATE

I am soooo sick of trying to justify my own existence. I do not care what people say or want any more...

Blue

I do not know where I can start. There was so much pain. 

Now everyone knows that I had an affair with a married man whose wife recently died of cancer. I still feel ashamed of myself.

I was a horrible person who was too weak and miserable to resist the temptation. When I realized that I had made a huge mistake, I still  did nothing and let him sexually abuse me. At that time I broke up with my ex-boyfriend because he had cheated on me. Then that man came along and gave me comfort. We were good friends. I couldn't believe that I became a liar like my ex. When I felt guilty and regretful, I wanted to confess to his wife while she was already in hospital. However, I was such a coward. When I finally had courage to tell her the truth, she died. 

The feeling of losing the inner me put me in the deepest depression. I could barely survive it. I had to rely on drugs and alcohol to numb myself. The reality was just unbearable. After attending the rehabilitation programme, I am better now. The pain would never go away, but I need to stay sober and face it.

Rough Days in My Life

My life has not been great. I was betrayed by my ex-boyfriend because he had an affair. I found out that I was adopted, but my adoptive parents had been hiding this secret behind me although they believed that it was good for me. I failed two suicide attempts recently. The last attempt was a totally disaster which almost put me behind bars because of my drunk driving and crashing my ex-boyfriend's car. I got my driver licence suspended and community services because it happened under the influence of my mental disorders. At that time I wished I was just dead. Afterwards I almost got my wish because I was almost killed in a car accident when my friend was driving me home. Unfortunately, I was alive but I got fractured pelvic bones and had to stay in bed and wheelchair for about 2 months. The pain made me very depressed and suicidal. I almost attempted suicide again, but I managed to put myself together...

Fast forward to now. I have got a new friend who is caring and supportive. Yesterday I was too stressed out about something and talked to him about it. He came up with some ideas to help me out, but then there were some potential risks that freaked me out. I texted him twice to talk about my fears and question him. I was expecting him to text me back all day long, but he did not reply. Just now I received his email saying that I had trust issues and that apparently I did not trust him. He felt sad about it. I immediately replied that I did not mean that. This really saddens me because he is my only friend in real life at this stage, but I hurt his feelings because of my own problems. I really feel so upset and guilty that I just want to cut myself open with my razor blade and bleed to death. I deserve it. The only thing that I am good at is hurting people. When they give a damn about me, I push them away. I am such an idiot!! Why have I kept doing this? I do not deserve anyone or anything good. I should rot in hell!!

Relapse

Anger and sadness consume me
No peace in my mind and heart
One more kiss of the blade
Just to erase the pain inside me
I swear this time is the last
But Cuts after cuts
it is never enough
I thought that I had made it through
But now I have relapsed and lost control
Tears fell down my cheek
I don’t know how I have become so weak

Trapped

I am deep in a hole
A darkened retreat
In the depths of my soul
My eyes are wept
My breaths are shuttered
I am left here to live
Alive but not free
I have to wear a mask
And pretend that I am okay
I smile and act
Like a puppet on strings
The pain and fear
You cannot see
The nightmare begins where it ends

You are such a DISAPPOINTMENT!!!

Look at yourself! What a mess!! No wonder people think that you are such a fuckup. What would you do about it? You still think that you shouldn't be punished?? Don't ever try to make excuses, Sarah. You are not a child any more. FIX IT!!

HATE YOU!!!!!

Sara



Why me??

I wish I could be saved. I hope that I can turn my life around. I have made so many horrible mistakes. The damage cannot be repaired, but I feel so regretful. Would I have a second chance? Do I deserve it? Where is my life heading?? I feel like I have no future. What should I do? Who could I trust? I feel like I am alone all the time. Why are these terrible things happening to me?? Thinking and waiting for the answers. Please show me some signs if you really exist, Jesus!

Hope?

I thought that I could find something to feel hopeful, but I have realized that there is nothing out there for me. The pain is eternal. It's swallowing and suffocating me. One day, it will kill me. 

Love you forever...

My life has been a mess since the day Jason died in the car crash. I was supposed to die with him. I have not wanted to continue living without him. Or I do not know how to move on. He was the only one who ever genuinely and unconditionally loved me, but I was the cause of his death. For all these years, I have been mourning over him. My family and ex boyfriends have betrayed me. My friends have walked out on me. If he was still here, I would not have felt all alone and worthless. I wish I could see and hold him again...



Strangers

Everyone else have become strangers to me lately. I have to struggle with my problems on the daily basis-no sense of security, feelings of being abandoned, trust issues, suicidal ideation and self harm. Even when they are around me, I just feel so distant from them. I do not believe in friendship or love any more. Under some circumstances, people would just betray and walk out on me. Don't say that you care when you do not really feel that way. I'd rather you to be honest with me or just fuck off. I am not giving you any chances to show you FAKE sympathy and make you feel a better person than me. 

Grieving

I do nothing everyday. I am sucked in this self-pity cycle. Wake up, think of Dan-how we met, how much he loved me, etc., cry, take more alcohol and drugs to pass out. Then repeat the cycle over and over again. Kill my mind or/and body. I do not care. I just feel so horrible when I am sober. I cannot take it any more.

I had options to stop all of this from happening, but I made bad decisions. It's all my fault. Look at me now. I have lost everything. I am such a worthless piece of shit who is stuck in my own misery. He is never going to forgive me or love me back. I cannot beg him for his forgiveness and love because I cannot even stand up for myself. I have ruined everything. I have destroyed his faith in me. Saying sorry is not enough.

I do not deserve him. I know that Michelle (his ex girlfriend) could give him a better life. She is a doctor who has stable  and good income. She is caring, smart, kind and attractive. I do not have any of this. How could I compete with her? However, deep down I still wish he could choose me over her. I just cannot bear losing him. Without him my life is meaningless. I have nothing to live for.

I wish I could forget you!

Dan has moved out of my apartment. We are on a break!

There is going to be only me on this path. People can not be trusted. At a certain stage, they all have betrayed and left me. Friendship is fragile. They have just stopped caring for and talking to me. I feel despised, abandoned and heartbroken. I am so tired of feeling, loving and caring for someone. I have held so much grudge inside me that I want to take it out on them or just myself. I feel like losing myself again. The only things that keep me from missing him are alcohol and drugs. They kill the pain temporarily that is killing me. I do not know how long it would take, but I just hope that they  they would take me out of my misery soon.

Losing Him

" I am in love with her, but I still love you Sarah." 

I confronted him. It's the worst answer from him. He cannot decide. I hate that he has cheated on me, but I cannot blame him because I somewhat pushed him back to his ex. I was so absorbed with my suicidal tendencies that I shut him out. My recent suicide attempts must have made him powerless and disappointed because I did not think much about his feelings. All I did was trying to leave him by killing myself. He had nobody but her to turn to. I knew that his ex was still into him after they broke up and he was dating me, so it's easy for them to rebuild the relationship. 

I am not sure what to say or do next. I just feel like losing everything I care about-my family, career, friends, my mind, and now him! It hurts. And I would just leave NY without saying Goodbye to him tomorrow. 


Everything is so FAKE!!

I just found out my boyfriend has betrayed me. He has been dating his ex since my recent suicide attempt. I have the photos as proof. No wonder he has been so distant and avoiding me. I cannot believe that he's been cheating on me.

I am feeling so angry with myself now because it is all my fault. I should not have used his car to attempt suicide. Why didn't I just die?? And then I would not have to suffer all of this. Does he hate me so much that he just wants to inflict more psychological pain on me? I cannot think straight right now. My head is pounding. I find it hard to breathe due to this chest pain. It is too much for me to cope. I really want to DIE now. I want to hurt myself very badly and die!!!!

Ambivalence

Since the truth was exposed, I have had conflicting feelings for my adoptive parents. Yes, I still love them, but I also hate them so much for their lies and cannot trust them any more.

They hid the secret that they adopted me when I was a baby. If my birth mother did not turn up at my front door, I would have never known the truth. When I confronted them about it, they denied that they had my birth mother's contact information. It was a LIE! I found out from my birth mother that they knew her and that she had contacted them for a few times in the past 20 years. In the end, they admitted that they had been hiding the truth, but they explained that they were afraid of depressing me more because I had been in bad shape. Yeah, it might push me further over the edge, but I might have a better chance to make my birth father love me. I don't see why a father would hate his own child so much if we could meet up and get to know each other at an earlier stage. Things in my life may have been changed in a good way. I hate them for leaving me no choice.

Now it is too late to do anything about it. Although he made that clear-he did not want me there in his new life, I still crave his love. There is a big hole inside me that I cannot fill with anything.

1-20 of 107 Blogs   

Previous Posts
STOP IT!!!, posted October 16th, 2014
Rejection, posted October 14th, 2014
Edge, posted October 8th, 2014
Falling, posted September 3rd, 2014
Red Anger, posted August 17th, 2014
HATE, posted August 17th, 2014
Blue, posted August 13th, 2014
Rough Days in My Life, posted November 11th, 2013
Relapse, posted September 23rd, 2013
Trapped, posted September 13th, 2013
You are such a DISAPPOINTMENT!!!, posted September 8th, 2013, 2 comments
Why me??, posted September 8th, 2013
Hope?, posted July 19th, 2013
Love you forever..., posted June 23rd, 2013, 2 comments
Strangers, posted June 12th, 2013
Grieving, posted May 12th, 2013
I wish I could forget you!, posted May 11th, 2013
Losing Him, posted April 30th, 2013
Everything is so FAKE!!, posted April 23rd, 2013
Ambivalence, posted April 14th, 2013
TRIGGERS!!!, posted April 4th, 2013
The State of Mind, posted January 13th, 2013, 1 comment
The Closure, posted December 17th, 2012, 2 comments
Torn Apart, posted December 17th, 2012, 2 comments
Obsessively Yours, posted December 9th, 2012, 2 comments
To Liars, posted November 18th, 2012, 1 comment
Confession, posted November 7th, 2012
Falling..., posted October 20th, 2012
Burying Secrets, posted October 20th, 2012
Sweet Talk, posted September 18th, 2012, 2 comments
One Step Foward, Two Steps Back., posted August 7th, 2012
Safety Zone, posted August 4th, 2012
Madness, posted July 23rd, 2012, 1 comment
It is never going to be the same., posted June 18th, 2012, 2 comments
The Color of the Sky, posted April 24th, 2012, 2 comments
Hopelessness, posted March 10th, 2012, 4 comments
Darkness, posted November 18th, 2011, 2 comments
Paris, here I am again!, posted July 22nd, 2011, 1 comment
Silence, posted June 2nd, 2011, 1 comment
It seems so hard to let it go., posted April 24th, 2011
One Simple Hole, posted April 16th, 2011, 4 comments
How are you?, posted April 11th, 2011
Leave me alone!, posted April 11th, 2011, 1 comment
Please shut up!, posted April 8th, 2011, 7 comments
Are lies always bad?, posted April 1st, 2011
Thoughts, posted March 31st, 2011, 1 comment
Toxication, posted March 28th, 2011, 1 comment
I AM SORRY..., posted March 25th, 2011, 6 comments
It hurts so much..., posted March 24th, 2011, 2 comments
Yes and No, posted March 18th, 2011, 3 comments
1-50 of 109 Blog Posts   

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