"There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds."
-- Laurell K. Hamilton, Mistral's Kiss
I have had this new job for a while. It is stressful sometimes, but it does give me some satisfaction. I feel like I might have a purpose in this world.
I still find it hard to maintian connection with people. I have no true friends now. Some coworkers look friendly and supportive, but we are not close. I feel like I cannot trust them. Thoughts like who would actually care constantly challenge my faith in people. It has made me shut people out of my world. Sharing something about myself with people has become a difficult topic. I do not know how to trust or make a good conversation with people anymore.
I have become a loner lately. On the outside I may look calm and okay. I have kept myself occupied. On the inside I feel lonely, confused and lost. I feel like I have been looking for something unknow. I feel uncertain about my life and future. I need guidance, but I do not know how to get it.
I can take no more bull shits.
It has been hard for me to maintain a good connection with people including my family and coworkers. One side of me wants to have that connection, but the other side may have been pushing them away. I never feel valuable to anyone, but I want to be cherished. I do not think that I deserve anything, but I do want everything. I have become this person who I cannot understand. I do not know how to manage people or relationships any more. This has put a lot of pressure on me. It looks like nothing could make me feel better about being me. I feel like having an identity crisis.
After work I drove aimlessly. The emptiness was killing me. The hole in me was growing bigger. I did not know what to do to make the pain go away. When my mom called me to check where I was and what I was doing, I was unable to tell her that. I do not know why I cannot express myself to people any more. I have tried to let my feelings out, but nothing comes out of my mouth. Something has been holding me back. I do know what it is. I feel so alone.
I am losing my appetite and sleep once again. I have had constant nightmares lately. Sometimes I wake up and have cold sweats in the middle of the night. Other times I feel like being stuck in my nightmares and just cannot wake myself up.
I am always low on my energy level. This has caused problems at work. I cannot focus on what I do or what people say to me. My brain is exhausted and slow. A lot of times I just feel totally blank. I am afraid of losing my job because of my poor performance.
I feel like I have interest in nothing now. I have isolated myself from people. I do not share my feelings with my family any more. I used to talk to some people on this website, but I cannot do this any more. On the outside, I have been still pretending that I am getting better. On the inside, I am beyond broken. I feel like the darkness is drowning me. I have kept searching for lights so that I could be saved. I do not believe in God any more because of what I have been through. I am completely lost and do not know where to go to and what I am waiting for.
I have not felt alive for so many years. What am I? A walking dead without a soul? How could I saved? Where is my way out of this??
Surrounded by the crowds
Lost in their voices and laughters
No one notices my sadness
No one cares to ask how I am
Haunted by my thoughts
Drowning in my sorrows
When I was gone
The world would not sense my disappearance
Enough! I want you to stop judging me and taking your anger out on me. Stop pushing me because I am already at the edge. I want you to shut up if the next thing you are going to say is to criticize me. Who gives you the right to do this to another human?? Show your respect! If you do not understand what I have been through, leave me alone.
I have kept losing people. They either died, betrayed or just walked out on me.
My best friend was killed in a car accident. He had time to get out of the car, but he stayed and saved me. He ended up dead because of me. My life has not been good ever since. Two of my ex boyfriends cheated on me because I was depressed and inadequate. I could not satisfy their needs. My friends abandoned me because I was crazy and a burden. Earlier I found out that I was actually adopted. My birth parents did not want me in the first place. I was just an accident. Well, my birth mother said that she was a teenager at the time when she was pregnant with me. She was scared and did not know what to do. My birth father ran away and never wanted to have anything to do with me. My foster parents lied to me about it because they did not want to make me sad. I have forgiven them. I hated cheaters and believed that I would never become one, but in the end I turned myself into one. I hated myself for it. The situation was completely out of control. I ended up having a nervous break down and addictions, so I had to go through treatment...
I do not know why I had to go through all those traumas. It just hurts a lot. I am not able to make a good connection with people and maintain a relationship any more. I am too damaged and do not think that I would ever have faith and trust in people. Things are getting harder as I grow older. I find no joys in life and just want to hide myself and slip away.
I am tired of rejection and hurt. I do not how to make it stop. If you are reading this post, please do not judge me. I have already had too much in my plate.
I have been very low on energy level. I can hardly bring myself to do anything now. Getting out of bed, having a shower and eating have become problems. I do not feel the need to do anything. If my family could just leave me alone or let me move out, I would thank them. I just want to do it without anyone noticing and saving me. I do not want to traumatize them, but I cannot find strengths to carry on like this.
I have not connected with people for quite a while. I just feel like shutting down and want it all to be over now. So it would be fine if you deleted me from your friends circle because we do not talk any more. It would be a better way for you to forget about me.
I am so sorry!
I feel like hitting the bottom again. No treatment works for me. I am so screwed up and done.
People, if you want to mock me, go ahead! I know I am a big loser. My life is over.
After I die, you can spit on my grave!!!
Sarah, you deserve it!!!
I am in a depressive and suicidal mode, which means I am being reckless again. I am back on drugs, alcohol and cutting. I do not give a fuck about what would happen to me. I have visions of overdosing on my medications with Vodka and slitting my wrists in a bath tub. The thoughts of suicide and death make me feel so relieved.
I am soooo sick of trying to justify my own existence. I do not care what people say or want any more...
I do not know where I can start. There was so much pain.
Now everyone knows that I had an affair with a married man whose wife recently died of cancer. I still feel ashamed of myself.
I was a horrible person who was too weak and miserable to resist the temptation. When I realized that I had made a huge mistake, I still did nothing and let him sexually abuse me. At that time I broke up with my ex-boyfriend because he had cheated on me. Then that man came along and gave me comfort. We were good friends. I couldn't believe that I became a liar like my ex. When I felt guilty and regretful, I wanted to confess to his wife while she was already in hospital. However, I was such a coward. When I finally had courage to tell her the truth, she died.
The feeling of losing the inner me put me in the deepest depression. I could barely survive it. I had to rely on drugs and alcohol to numb myself. The reality was just unbearable. After attending the rehabilitation programme, I am better now. The pain would never go away, but I need to stay sober and face it.
My life has not been great. I was betrayed by my ex-boyfriend because he had an affair. I found out that I was adopted, but my adoptive parents had been hiding this secret behind me although they believed that it was good for me. I failed two suicide attempts recently. The last attempt was a totally disaster which almost put me behind bars because of my drunk driving and crashing my ex-boyfriend's car. I got my driver licence suspended and community services because it happened under the influence of my mental disorders. At that time I wished I was just dead. Afterwards I almost got my wish because I was almost killed in a car accident when my friend was driving me home. Unfortunately, I was alive but I got fractured pelvic bones and had to stay in bed and wheelchair for about 2 months. The pain made me very depressed and suicidal. I almost attempted suicide again, but I managed to put myself together...
Fast forward to now. I have got a new friend who is caring and supportive. Yesterday I was too stressed out about something and talked to him about it. He came up with some ideas to help me out, but then there were some potential risks that freaked me out. I texted him twice to talk about my fears and question him. I was expecting him to text me back all day long, but he did not reply. Just now I received his email saying that I had trust issues and that apparently I did not trust him. He felt sad about it. I immediately replied that I did not mean that. This really saddens me because he is my only friend in real life at this stage, but I hurt his feelings because of my own problems. I really feel so upset and guilty that I just want to cut myself open with my razor blade and bleed to death. I deserve it. The only thing that I am good at is hurting people. When they give a damn about me, I push them away. I am such an idiot!! Why have I kept doing this? I do not deserve anyone or anything good. I should rot in hell!!
Anger and sadness consume me
No peace in my mind and heart
One more kiss of the blade
Just to erase the pain inside me
I swear this time is the last
But Cuts after cuts
it is never enough
I thought that I had made it through
But now I have relapsed and lost control
Tears fell down my cheek
I don’t know how I have become so weak
I am deep in a hole
A darkened retreat
In the depths of my soul
My eyes are wept
My breaths are shuttered
I am left here to live
Alive but not free
I have to wear a mask
And pretend that I am okay
I smile and act
Like a puppet on strings
The pain and fear
You cannot see
The nightmare begins where it ends
Look at yourself! What a mess!! No wonder people think that you are such a fuckup. What would you do about it? You still think that you shouldn't be punished?? Don't ever try to make excuses, Sarah. You are not a child any more. FIX IT!!
I wish I could be saved. I hope that I can turn my life around. I have made so many horrible mistakes. The damage cannot be repaired, but I feel so regretful. Would I have a second chance? Do I deserve it? Where is my life heading?? I feel like I have no future. What should I do? Who could I trust? I feel like I am alone all the time. Why are these terrible things happening to me?? Thinking and waiting for the answers. Please show me some signs if you really exist, Jesus!
I thought that I could find something to feel hopeful, but I have realized that there is nothing out there for me. The pain is eternal. It's swallowing and suffocating me. One day, it will kill me.
My life has been a mess since the day Jason died in the car crash. I was supposed to die with him. I have not wanted to continue living without him. Or I do not know how to move on. He was the only one who ever genuinely and unconditionally loved me, but I was the cause of his death. For all these years, I have been mourning over him. My family and ex boyfriends have betrayed me. My friends have walked out on me. If he was still here, I would not have felt all alone and worthless. I wish I could see and hold him again...
Everyone else have become strangers to me lately. I have to struggle with my problems on the daily basis-no sense of security, feelings of being abandoned, trust issues, suicidal ideation and self harm. Even when they are around me, I just feel so distant from them. I do not believe in friendship or love any more. Under some circumstances, people would just betray and walk out on me. Don't say that you care when you do not really feel that way. I'd rather you to be honest with me or just fuck off. I am not giving you any chances to show you FAKE sympathy and make you feel a better person than me.
My mood: very distressed
Previous PostsGrey, posted April 9th, 2015
Blank, posted April 9th, 2015
Who am I?, posted March 9th, 2015
Lifelessness, posted February 10th, 2015
Invisible, posted November 6th, 2014
STOP IT!!!, posted October 16th, 2014
Rejection, posted October 14th, 2014
Edge, posted October 8th, 2014
Falling, posted September 3rd, 2014
Red Anger, posted August 17th, 2014
HATE, posted August 17th, 2014
Blue, posted August 13th, 2014
Rough Days in My Life, posted November 11th, 2013
Relapse, posted September 23rd, 2013
Trapped, posted September 13th, 2013
You are such a DISAPPOINTMENT!!!, posted September 8th, 2013, 2 comments
Why me??, posted September 8th, 2013
Hope?, posted July 19th, 2013
Love you forever..., posted June 23rd, 2013, 2 comments
Strangers, posted June 12th, 2013
Grieving, posted May 12th, 2013
I wish I could forget you!, posted May 11th, 2013
Losing Him, posted April 30th, 2013
Everything is so FAKE!!, posted April 23rd, 2013
Ambivalence, posted April 14th, 2013
TRIGGERS!!!, posted April 4th, 2013
The State of Mind, posted January 13th, 2013, 1 comment
The Closure, posted December 17th, 2012, 2 comments
Torn Apart, posted December 17th, 2012, 2 comments
Obsessively Yours, posted December 9th, 2012, 2 comments
To Liars, posted November 18th, 2012, 1 comment
Confession, posted November 7th, 2012
Falling..., posted October 20th, 2012
Burying Secrets, posted October 20th, 2012
Sweet Talk, posted September 18th, 2012, 2 comments
One Step Foward, Two Steps Back., posted August 7th, 2012
Safety Zone, posted August 4th, 2012
Madness, posted July 23rd, 2012, 1 comment
It is never going to be the same., posted June 18th, 2012, 2 comments
The Color of the Sky, posted April 24th, 2012, 2 comments
Hopelessness, posted March 10th, 2012, 4 comments
Darkness, posted November 18th, 2011, 2 comments
Paris, here I am again!, posted July 22nd, 2011, 1 comment
Silence, posted June 2nd, 2011, 1 comment
It seems so hard to let it go., posted April 24th, 2011
One Simple Hole, posted April 16th, 2011, 4 comments
How are you?, posted April 11th, 2011
Leave me alone!, posted April 11th, 2011, 1 comment
Please shut up!, posted April 8th, 2011, 7 comments
Are lies always bad?, posted April 1st, 2011
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